LOVING THE UNLOVABLE -----PART 3

Listen to this person. Some social outcasts and "unlovable" people act the way they do because they feel like they can't make genuine connections with other people and, on the rare occasions when they do, they're not listened to. While it can be difficult to pinpoint the "signal" of what an unlovable person actually is trying to express in the "noise" of the hostility they may bring to their interactions with you, making it clear that you're trying to do so can be enough to make an impression.

• For instance, let's say that, at lunch, you sit next to the social outcast from the example situations above because you notice that he's in the corner by himself. At first, he gives you the silent treatment, but eventually he sneers, "Geez, can't you tell I want to be left alone?" You might try responding calmly with something like, "Hey, I'm sorry, I actually couldn't tell — I was just trying to trying to get to know new people. I'll leave if you want, though." This person probably won't immediately apologize and ask you to stay, but, at the very least, he may realize that you've actually taken what he's just said into account, rather than ignoring him or dismissing his words.

Recognize the signs of mental/personality disorders. Unfortunately, some people with a reputation for being "unlovable" act the way they do because of a genuine biological problem that makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to behave the way most people do. In these cases, the "unlovable" person's bad behavior may not be a matter of choice, so reacting negatively may not merely be ill-advised, but cruel. If you think that someone with an "unlovable" reputation is exhibiting any of the following disorders and is not receiving help, contact an appropriate authority like a counselor, social worker, or priest. You may also seek to speak with their trusted contact before disclosing any information about them:

• Clinical Depression: Sometimes causes irritability, sadness, lack of motivation, self-loathing, and reckless behavior.^[1]
• Antisocial Personality Disorder: Can cause a lack of concern for others' feelings, irritability and aggression, poor impulse control, a lack of guilt or remorse, and callous, selfish behavior.^[2]
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Can cause an inflated sense of self-worth, an excessive sense of entitlement, envy of others, a strong desire to be admired, a lack of empathy, and excessive anger in response to insults or slights.^[3]
• Avoidant Personality Disorder: Can cause an extreme fear of being embarrassed or rejected, an excessively meek and restrained personality, constant anxiety, a fear of risk-taking, and awkwardness in social situations.

Recognize the signs of trauma and abuse. Perhaps most tragic of all "unlovable" individuals are those who became the way they are because of some sort of external trauma or abuse. Extremely traumatic experiences, especially during childhood, can have marked impacts on the way a person, thinks, behaves, and perceives the person around her. While it can be difficult for an inexperienced person to pinpoint the signs of past abuse, seeing any of the signs below are cause for immediate concern and intervention, so contact a qualified professional (like a teacher, counselor, social worker, etc.) immediately.

• Physical abuse: Unexplained or mysterious injuries or illnesses. Injuries often justified as "accidents". May dress in clothing designed to hide marks of injury (long sleeves, sunglasses, etc.) and/or miss work, school, or social outings.^[4]
• Emotional abuse: Low self-esteem, anxiety, and social withdrawal. If in the context of a relationship, this person may be overly anxious to please their partner, may avoid going out without their partner, may have restricted access to their family, friends, and/or possessions, and may have to frequently "check in" with their partner.