HOW TO LOVE THE UNLOVABLE ....PART 2

Look for the root cause of this person's behavior. It's much easier to love someone who reacts to your efforts to reach out with anger or frustration if you have some sort of idea why this person acts this way. Some people push others away because they've been hurt in the past and are afraid of opening themselves up to the same kind of pain, while others may simply not know how to interact warmly because they were never taught. Finally
, it's also worth noting that some people may act unlovable due to a genuine personality disorder or mental illness or as the result of abuse. In any of these cases, understanding why someone who acts so difficult does this can make it much easier to love them.

• One way to learn why an unlovable person acts the way she does is to simply get to know her. In this case, you may want to read the section below on reaching out to unlovable people. However, if this person is so difficult to be around that making a connection with her is virtually impossible, you may want to try gently broaching the subject with people who know her, like her friends (assuming there are any), family, peers, roommates, and so on

Meet anger with kindness. If the unlovable person you're dealing with has a tendency to lash out at you whenever you try to connect with him, resist the urge to retaliate. Anyone who's earned the label of being "unlovable" is probably more than used to bearing the brunt of other people's snide remarks, insults, and verbal abuse, so this will get you nowhere. Instead, make an effort to be kind to this person. React to his hostility with a smile, a kind remark, or even an offer to help with whatever's bothering him. Since this is probably an uncommon experience for him, it may surprise him, opening him up to further conversation. At the very least, it will prove to him that not everyone will meet his anger with their own.

• For instance, let's say that you're walking down the hall at school when you notice a student with a reputation as an angry, awkward social outcast approaching you. You say, "Hi!" and he glowers at you angrily. Here, if you can, you'll want to react positively without missing a beat. Smiling and saying "Have a good day!", for instance, may seem a little cheesy for an ordinary social interaction, but to this person, it may be the only kind thing anyone's said to him all day

Set a positive example for others. As hinted at above, people who are thought of as "unlovable" often are the subject of jokes, derision, and outright verbal abuse. This sort of negative attention can discourage them from having positive social interactions with others, leading to a vicious cycle where the negative actions of otherwise decent, normal people reinforce the behavior of the "unlovable" person. In these sorts of cases, changing the actions of the people around the unlovable person, rather than concentrating solely on the unlovable person, can do serious good. Try to encourage them to follow your example of treating the unlovable person with kindness even when she's being difficult.

• For instance, let's say you're sitting in a classroom waiting for your professor to arrive with the social outcast from the example above and a few popular kids. If you get the chance, you may want to set the precedent of treating the outcast with kindness by trying to strike up friendly conversation with him before the popular kids even have a chance to ridicule him. Even if he reacts negatively, you'll have the chance to set the example of meeting this sort of anger with your own kindness.