Falling in love can be a wonderful experience. When
a relationship is new, it’s full of the kind of romance you see in movies,
complete with flowers, love letters, and promises to be together forever. It
isn’t always this way, though.
Maybe you’ve started to see a difference in your own
relationship. Maybe the way you used to be together has changed and you’re
wondering where the romance has gone. Don’t worry or stress, your relationship
isn’t burning out or ending. In fact, it’s getting stronger. The romance is
still there, it’s always there. The only thing that’s changed is the meaning.
Romance changes the longer you’re in a relationship.
The
Nature of Romance
Advice columnist and author Heather Havrilesky best
explains the evolution of romance when she wrote about her own experience with
romance after 10 years of marriage — What Romance Really Means After 10 Years of Marriage. In a
new relationship, you’re still looking for proof that the other person loves
you and the other person is still trying to prove their love. This takes the
form of classic romance when you want to shout from the rooftops, “I’m in
love!” for all the world to hear.
“After a decade of marriage, if things go well, you
don’t need any more proof. What you have instead — and what I would
argue is the most deeply romantic thing of all — is this palpable, reassuring
sense that it’s okay to be a human being.”
After 10 years of marriage, or in any long-term
relationship, romance is no longer about proving anything. You already know
without a doubt that the other person loves you. Instead, romance becomes the
confidence that you can be human and your partner will not abandon you.
Havrilesky talks about how she got sick one night
with dysentery. On her way to the bathroom, she passed out and broke her ribs
on the side of the bathtub. This moment, of course, led to a much larger mess
in the bathroom. Her husband of 10 years came to her aid, took care of her, and
took care of the not-so-pleasant situation. His actions in this stressful
moment, one of caring and void of complaint, is her definition of romance.
You see, in a long-term relationship, you forego the
romance of morning text messages and constant kisses. These things are no
longer necessary. You have something much more valuable. You have comfort,
grace, and a love without judgment. You have the freedom to be who you are, to
have bad days, and to make mistakes without your partner being angry with you
or making you feel bad. True romance.
The
Evolution of Romance
In her article, Havrilesky goes on to talk about how
romance is “survival” and “survival is ugly”. The sad reality of a
marriage or committed relationship is that one person will die before the
other. The romance shared between partners guarantees that one person will be
there for the end-of-life moment. “You are both mortal and you’re both
surviving, together, and you’re in this to the very end.”
Your partner will sit beside you, hold your hand,
and tell you they love you while signing papers, listening to doctors, and
paying for treatment. Doesn’t sound romantic? After a lifetime together, it is
the definition of romance.
Romance is finding the person that you can get
through life with. All of life. Not just the pretty parts like walking through
the park, taking a Caribbean vacation, or enjoying dinners in nice restaurants.
It is putting your heads together and taking on whatever life throws your way,
be that illness, children, or unemployment. All of these mundane moments
actually become exciting and romantic, strengthening your relationship and your
love.
True
Romance
Havrilesky further describes true romance as
something that develops when,
“Two deluded, lazy people face a bewildering sea of
filth and blood and gore together, but they make it through somehow, some way,
without losing their minds completely.”
She says it is about realizing that neither of you
are immortal, but it doesn’t matter because you’re in this life thing together
until the very end. Her point with all of this, and what you should remember,
is that marriage doesn’t lose its romance over the years. Don’t be tricked into
believing that true romance is in questioning another person’s love for you or
in worrying that you might lose that love.
True romance is never doubting the love between you,
of laughing at life’s difficulties, and knowing that you two will survive
together.
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