HOW TO DEAL WITH CHILD SEX ABUSE

Many people believe that child sex abuse is so emotionally devastating that victims never recover and can never enjoy sex. In fact, healing is quite possible, and so is a deeply fulfilling sex life. If you’re a man whose lover was sexually victimized as a

child or teen, here’s how best to support her recovery.
Abuse teaches women that men are sexually out of control. Stay in control of yourself.

• Understand the risks. It’s very difficult to deal with a survivor as she works her way through the therapy involved in recovery. Your relationship may not survive the process. That’s sad, but fairly common.

• Go slow. Understand that she has to be in control of sex, possibly for a long time.

• You can’t heal her or “make” her enjoy sex. She has to heal herself and rediscover erotic pleasure for herself. Your job is to offer emotional support. Ask her how she feels and then listen. Really listen. You can’t orchestrate her recovery. All you can do
is get out of the way, not erect any more roadblocks to healing than she already faces.

• She needs to know that you care about her more than you care about sex with her. Tell her that often.

• Brace yourself for a long period during which the survivor is maddeningly self-absorbed.

• Be honest about your own feelings. No doubt during her recovery, you’ll feel impatient, frustrated, and sexually rejected. It’s okay to feel that way. Say so. But don’t blame her. Blame the abuse.

• It’s okay for you to want sex and ask for it. But during her recovery, she has to be the one in control.

• At times, you may become the target of her rage. This is typical. Try not to take it personally. Of course, it’s very difficult not to. Try.

• Explore nonsexual sensuality. If the survivor can’t deal with genital sexuality, experiment with all the ways the two of you can be physically close that the survivor can enjoy, e.g., cuddling, embracing each other, massage, bathing together.

• When she feels ready to explore partner sex, develop signals for flashbacks and dissociation: If she signals, stop what you’re doing and ask how she wants to proceed: stop, just be held, whatever. Honor her wishes.

• Survivors often have to stop in the middle of sex. Let them. Say: I’m here for you. I’m listening.

• When she has flashbacks, ask: Who are you seeing? What are you feeling? You’re safe here with me. I won’t do anything you don’t want.

• Help the survivor to stay in the present. Flashbacks happen. Reassure her that her memories are real, but that they’re not what’s happening now.

• During sex, check in frequently. Ask: Is this okay. Do you need a break?

• Get support yourself. Talk with friends. Join a support group. Try therapy.

• Ask for days off from dealing with the abuse. Initially, many survivors can talk about nothing but their abuse and recovery. That’s natural, but ask for periods when she doesn’t discuss it—one day a week, a few evenings, whatever works for the two of you.

• Your best tools to help survivors include compassion, flexibility,
resourcefulness, humor, knowledge of your own needs and limits,
and patience, lots of patience, tons of patience.

Previously: Childhood Sexual Abuse: Traumatic and Horrible— but Sexual Recovery Is Possible.

This few hint/point is applicable to both gender ( Male and Female)